Squash Vine Borer Letter

Dear Squash Vine Borer Moths,

It's obvious that you wish to stick around and continue to threaten the health of my pumpkin plants. To this I will tell you the following.

This month alone, I have already captured 4 of your comrades and locked them up permanently in Tupperware confinement without air, water, food, sex, family visits, and football.

By the way, this confinement cell is located not in a dark secluded area, but rather right out in the open; where newcomer moths can both laugh at and/or be frightened by your capture. Not to mention the greenhouse effect of the clear plastic, that will slowly fry you over the next few days.

My pumpkin plant stems have a protective nylon and foil shield around them, making it difficult (if not impossible) for you to lay your dirtywork.

My dog and I will be on routine surveillance to monitor any future attempts, and we will exercise any method we deem fit. We have been ordered to "shoot first and ask questions later". As Captain Kirk would say, our phasers are set on "kill".

Have I made myself crystal clear?

Then carry on.